I have mixed emotions about work.. I'm happy cuz I don need to stay alone at home everyday anymore.. and can keep myself busy... which is a good thing... but I'm also quite afraid because it'll be a big change for me...

I have to adapt to many new changes, and change many of my lifestyle habits... meet new people, new environment etc etc... But I guess I have to grow up one day... I believe God will guide me along and give me the wisdom to shine in the marketplace...

Last sat Pastor Zhuang talked to me after svc about some of the struggles I'm facing... Pst has known me since 2005 and has literally seen me 'grow up'.. how I battled my illness and how I went through all my difficult times... I still remember those times he came to my house with Cindy to talk to me, counselled me, gave me bible study at Suntec office etc etc...

Time really flies... Pst Zhuang will always be the person I look up to the most.. To me he is my spiritual father and role model... I'm really touched by his care and concern for me... I respect Pst Kong and Pst Zhuang ALOT ALOT!!

I have 3 Fathers... (1) My Heavenly Father- God, (2) My Earthly Father- My daddy, (3) My Spiritual Fathers- Pst Kong/Pst Zhuang... Their love for God and His people will always inspire and motivate me to be a better person...

I want to do more things for God and His Kingdom... reach out to people.. show them the love of God.. and win more souls for Christ... One thing I know, I will always love God, and I will always love my Church, and I will always run with the Vision of City Harvest Church for the rest of my life... I will never leave my church, or leave God...

Even though there are often times I feel so tired of life, and I feel like giving up, because the pain is too much for me to bear... But God has never given up on me, though I gave up on myself.. When I'm faithless, God is always Faithful.. and He is the one that brought me through my many years of trials and tribulations...

I've gone through so much in the past... I don want to go through even more pain in the future... I believe God will give me my miracle... and My future is in good hands.. because it is in God's hands... Just Like what Pst Kong said, I deserve better. +

But Thank God for a friend, who is always there for me when I fall... and also for Wes, who has stood by me all these while, giving me the love and support I need... Love will always make This Journey to Recovery much more bearable... even though there are many times I feel like giving up, but God will give me the courage to stand up again... +

On the last day of 2008, that is 31.12.08.... is a day of many celebrations... it was my CG N402 Appreciation day held at my hse... I was very happy to be able to countdown to a brand new year with them...

More Importantly, it was me and Wes's 1 year Anniversary... Time passes so fast... and we have been together for 1 year... but I feel as if I have known him for a long time... Dear I hope to celebrate many more anniversaries with you till the end of time...

May our love grow even stronger and deeper with time... Hope our love will last long, and strong... I love u always... Happy 1 year... <3

I bought 2 Everlast shirts for Wes... and Wes bought me a ring! Yay now I have a ring... cuz I lost the previous one that Wes bought... so sad.... but now Wes have 2 rings... lols... I hope that every year we can renew our love and commitment for each other... and fall in love all over again... just like the first time we just met.... <3

My CG stayed at my hse till 11 plus on Appreciation day... me and Wes didn't go anywhere or do anything special on our anniversary... and he was quite angry cuz we couldn't go out... but I feel it doesn't matter where we go or what we do.... cuz all that matters is that we can spend time together and be with each other...

Still remembered that 1 year ago on 31.12.07, Wes brought me to Town to countdown... watched fireworks... and on Christmas even went around Orchard with his frens spraying foam on Blangahs and beating them up... so stupid rite... lol...

After the CG left, we went AMK hub to watch movie... the movie was quite boring and I was quite sleepy so I fell asleep at some parts of the movie... lol... it was a chinese movie named " Lady cop and Papa crook".... lols funny name....

Year 2009- A brand new Year, a brand new Beginning... I hope to be able to rise up and serve God more, join a ministry... I see myself doing greater things in God's kingdom... I trust God to lead me to my Destiny....

This week is Wes's hell week... so this weekend he'll not be booking out... so sad... means this week I'll be very lonely... sigh I pray for strength from God... that I will be able to endure the loneliness... and I also pray for wes that God will keep him safe and protect him from any harm....

Sigh Im quite worried for him... Dear pls take good care... God will see u through your tough times... I miss you.. U are always in my prayers... <3

My life is so painful without you around.... I miss you... Take care dear... <3

This kind of chance of spending time together is very rare... especially now Wes is in the Navy... it seemed like a short escapism from Reality and the real world... sigh but Time passed so fast... and now Im back to Reality...

Yesterday I went to help out at a City Care event... called 'Christmas Wonderland'! Its an event organised for the underprivileged and autistc children... It was held at Republic Poly.. and I was the bus captain and in charge of the Autism Association...

Only 10 kids from the Autism Association came... there were many other large groups of children... mostly from the different Family service centres... and other Homes like AWWA etc... the kids were really very cute and fun to play with...

Seeing their happy faces made me happy too... there were performances put up for them, magic show, juggling acts, different types of games, free candy floss, free presents and food and so on. There were also Santa Claus, Gingerbread man, dressed-up princesses.. :D

The carnival was filled with so many kids running around.. I made a few new friends too from CHC.. The autistic kids I were in charge of were so cute...especially 1 little boy called Ray ken... Though they are autistic, they looked very normal..

Ray Ken is very cute.. he cant really talk and seemed to be in his own world... he even picked up a half eaten candy cane on the floor and started eating it... lol so cute... and he kept holding my hand... so cute can... :))

Seeing all the cute little kids made me forget about my problems temporarily... How I wish I can do more for them... especially those that are underprivilged and with special needs...

I only have 1 life.... and I need to make full use of it... Life is short and fragile... I really wish I can do more things for God... but that can only happen if I'm well, and healed...

I have been listening to the 'Light of the City' CHC album every night during my quiet time... and the songs are really nice and Touching... The presence of God is so strong and when I listen to the songs, Tears will just flow...

God has a great Destiny for my Life... God, I surrender my all to You.. Take me and use me for Your Glory... I am willing to lay down my Life for You... +

Still remembered those days during Emerge '06 and 07... sigh really missed EMERGE POS cheerleading... Miss all the fun and dance and friendships forged with NUS City Harvesters... :((

I have been feeling rather down... and Emo recently... sighhh... I feel that my life is a routine... and its just so hard to stay strong... plus all my personal and family problems, its just doesn't make things any better...

What is the worse is that I have to go through all the pain alone... How I wished Wes can be by my side... to be here for me... but the truth is that he can't... I feel so lost, so alone, so Empty... I wonder if my future will ever get better... I worry abt my career... I worry abt my body image and eating issues...

I really need a Breakthrough in my life... I hope the days ahead will be better for me... Sometimes I dunno where I'm heading.. but I just continue to Trust God that He will guide and lead me through my darkest moments and the deepest valleys...

God... pls hear my cries.... I cry myself to sleep almost every night... and No one knows.... I wish I can be set free from my bondage with my past and my Trials one day... I wish I can truly experience Happiness and Freedom.... I really need a Miracle from God...

Pst Phil Pringle mentioned in his sermon last sun.... He said that No Trial last Forever... Every Trial that I go through will only give me more strength, endurance and perserverance... I know I have to be strong... but its not easy... sometimes the emotional and mental pain is so hard to bear...

But God will give me strength... I believe He is always with me, holding my hand everywhere I go... though I cant see Him, cant hear Him, and can't always feel Him.... I want to do more things for God... Serve God more... reach out to the hurting and the less fortunate... Just like Sun... The Asia Conference has placed in me this desire...

But I dunno how to start.. I hope one day I can go for mission trips and help people... I don't want to lead an ordinary and meaningless life... Truly only God can fill up the Emptiness in me...

I pray that one day I can see the Light at the end of the Tunnel... I hope one day I can lead a happy life with Wes... where I don need to always feel so alone...

The God I know is Fathful and True... The God I know strengthens the weak... God will never leave nor forsake me... I pray that God will lead me to my Destiny... I pray that one day I can find my calling and purpose in Life...

The Joy of the Lord is my strength.... I really hope one day I can Truly be happy.. and not pretend or try to be happy... I hope one day I will know what True Happiness is.... God, pls hear my prayer... +

Sometimes I wish I can run away.... run away from all these pain, all my troubles... end all the silent sufferings... that no one knows, and no one will ever understand....

Dear... I miss you... Perhaps this is the power of Love.... at times when I fall, Love gives me the strength to pick myself up... Though we can't see each other as often as before, but you are always in my Heart...

I hope one day we can create a paradise of our own.... Just the 2 of us... Where there can be everlasting happiness and Love.... <3

I don't let others see my tears easily... because I always put on a strong front... I only cry when I'm alone...

But it depends on the situation... if I really cry in front of someone means there are alot of feelings and emotions involved... or it means I was very sad or hurt.. and the person should be very close to me...

Dear... U said u never see me cry before... now u saw already right... lol... U so fierce it scared me lol... but I still love you...

God showed me so many signs... God always make a way for us to be with each other.. it cant be that coincidental.. and as times passes, the stronger I feel that we are really meant for each other...

Dear... thanks for spending my birthday with me... its already the best birthday gift I can have... I don't want riches or material wealth...

I just want you by my side... Love is more priceless than anything else...

On my birthday.. we went to watch movie at Vivo City.. after that actually dear wanted to bring me to sit cable car but it was already closed... then after that we walked around then went home..

Dear also bought a Forever 21 cardigan for me and also a Titty Teddy bear for me which costs $60 plus.. so expensive!! He also gave me a card... but he only wrote more words on the card after he made me cry.... haha....

Time passes so fast.... sigh... weekends seem to pass so fast... how I wish dear can be with me more often... Sigh I miss you dear... Love you Always... <3

I feel so discouraged... after going for a few job interviews and hearing their comments... sigh... I worry abt my future... and I can't seem to find the light in the midst of this darkness...

I temporarily forget abt my problems when I'm with Wes... I feel happy, and secure with him.. but my happiness doesn't last long... because we have limited time together... I miss him... How I wish I don't have to feel so alone everytime... sigh...

Truly, Beneath this smile of mine, lies a million Tears... and hides so much secrets... Behind my smile is everything u'll never understand... I wished I didn't have to have so much secrets... but sometimes.... some secrets are just meant to be kept....

I have many doubts... about myself, about my purpose in life, about my future, my career, etc etc... Life is painful... especially when u have to go through everything yourself... no one knows, no one sees... because I don't show my emotions on the outside... I keep them all in my heart... cuz I don't want to earn other's pity... only God sees and feels the pain I'm going through...

The building fund season has come again... though its not a big amount to others, but its a big amount to me... I hope that God sees my heart... and I hope this will be the start of more blessings and miracles to come for me.... I really need a miracle from God...

This week is Wes's field camp... so he can't call and msg me at all... Dear I feel so lonely without you... Sigh hope you are fine over there... I miss you... Take care. <3

Actually I was supposed to sing on stage during the mass song which is the finale item.. but in the end never cuz I was busy with the fanclub stuff... Sigh... its ok next time if I join choir ministry can sing on stage during svc every week le... hahas... but hope I can get in...

Anyway, life has not been very good for me... Till now I haven't found a stable job.. Tho now the market is not very good... but as Pst kong said, our God is never a God of shortage... I just hope God will make a way for me... maybe I will consider going into Teaching...

Sometimes I worry abt my Future, my career, plus my own personal problems... I feel so lost and alone... I try not to think so much cuz sometimes I can't help it but cry... sigh... Initially, when Wes entered NS it was a very big change for me and I felt so alone suddenly... but now, almost 2 months have passed... I have also gotten used to it....

I know I have to be strong... Throughout all these years, I have fallen, and I may still fall, but I will pick myself up again... its not easy, but God will give me strength... wat has been keeping me going all along is truly God's strength...

Time really flies... sometimes I wish I can go back to my childhood days when I was so happy and carefree with no worries... but I guess we all need to grow up... Till now I'm still searching for my own identity, and purpose in life...

10 more days to my birthday... sigh still remembered celebrating my 21st bday last yr only... it seemed like yesterday... I dunno why... I'm not really excited about birthdays anymore... because there are so many problems on my mind... I guess my birthday to me will not be anything special...

Dear, I miss you... How I wish u can be here for me and with me... especially during my darkest times... sigh, but I know it is impossible... u can't be with me that often anymore... but its ok cuz I've already gotten used to being alone...

No matter what, u will always be in my Heart... Tho we quarrel at times, and u made me sad... I still love you... Trust me that I will wait for you... Pls take good care in the Navy... I love you. <3

I think the most impt thing is not whether I get into the finals... is the Journey and the new friendships forged and experience gained! Cuz I know I won't get into finals de... I just joined for fun and exposure! Out of 100 plus vocalists, only 8 will be selected... And this event is also an outreach... many non-christian frens also joined! =)

This event is organised by WYZ zone for all aspiring stars to showcase our talents and be a step closer to our dreams! And even for those who have failed before, 'Shot to fame' gives us a chance to fufill our dreams by giving everyone a chance to perform... At the Grand finale, all the vocalists will be singing a mass song on stage called ' 希望的种子'....

Its a very nice song.... I love it! Its a very touching and meaningful song... which encourages pple noty to give up on their dreams... and do not lose hope and faith when you have lost your direction...

The auditions are this Sun, 12 October... I know I won't be able to get into the Finals de... but its ok... at least I took a step of faith by joining... Pst Kong always say... Do not despise the days of small beginnings.... at least I broke out of my limitations and gave myself a chance to fufill my dreams... and most importantly, is to have fun and enjoy myself!! =)

'Shot to Fame' ROCKS!!! <33

Was talking to my CG member yesterday on MSN... and the Truth suddenly dawned on me... that Wes will not be able to spend as much time as before with me...or be around for me as often anymore... which is in a way True....

My friend also said... I have to bear with it sometimes... cuz Wes may not be able to give me the attention I need in the near future... and I will know what he means soon.... and that time will come when his career is on track.... and that I need to be understanding....

He also said... that Training phase is often the most tiring and Time consuming... it will be a Test for both of us... Pull through and we both will be Long Lasting.... of cos, I will be understanding and wait for Wes.... but sometimes I can't help but miss him so much.... Sigh....

These few days I have been feeling really down and moody and sad and alone and stressed... but there's no one to go through these darkest moments with me.... I feel so empty and helpless... Sigh....

I know I need to endure... I guess if I'm able to pull through this difficult period, I will be stronger than before... and we both will Truly Last long....

Life isn't easy for me at all.... It is so difficult to stay strong... But I believe God will pull me through... and Love will see me through... Though I can't see God, and I can't see Wes... but I know God is always with me... and I can feel Wes's love for me in my heart... which is helping me to fight on in life....

Almost 1 week have passed since his enlistment day... but it feels like Eternity.... it feel as if I have not seen him for such a loooong time.... Dear... do u know how much Tears I've cried for u... Can u feel my pain... sigh...

Wes told me that every night he has been praying for me... and I was really Touched when I heard that... I have also been praying for him everyday... and I guess Faith and love is what that is keeping both of us strong...

Dear... I really miss you... My world has changed completely without u around.... I can't seem to find the light in the midst of this darkness.... so many things have happened without u around... Everytime I try to stand, I fall again... My nightmare is just so real... How I wish this nightmare will be over soon....

God, pls pls help me to pull through this difficult period of my life.... I really need Your strength... All I need, and want, is just one Touch from Heaven.... + + +

I Just feel so lost... and alone... suddenly.... but I must be strong... I need to be strong... I guess I need more time to adapt to this change.... The only constant in this world is change... The time has come... where both of us have entered into another phase of our lives... I need to accept it...

I know I can't be strong by my own strength... I need God's strength to pull me through... No one will understand how I feel de... People must be thinking... its only going for NS right?.... Whats the big deal man... But... my world is a dfferent world from others.... What I have been through and am going through, not everyone knows....

And perhaps the reason why I'm missing him so much... is because its True Love between us... where our Hearts are linked as one... Where he feels my sorrow, and feels every Tear that I cry...

I know he's rather excited for it... because it has always been his dream to be a diver... I know God will watch over him and cause him to excel in his unit...

The Time that I spent with Wes for the past few days were the most precious and memorable... we went to play at the swimming complex at Jurong last Thursday... first time I have been there... it was very fun... played at the Lazy pool, the Wave pool, the slides....Then on Fri we went to the zoo....

It was fun looking at the Cute animals, and just spending time together... The last time I went to the zoo was like when I was in primary school... The zoo changed quite alot... The past last 3 days we spent time together watching movies... Boys over Flowers Final, Bangkok Dangerous, 12 Lotus, Wall E...

Thinking about those Past memories I really miss Wes alot alot... I know I will be so lonely without him.... sigh.... Just now when I sent him off He gave me one last hug and kiss... and as I saw him walking away and waving from afar, suddenly I just felt so lost....

As I'm typing this, I just can't help but cry... Recently I was just wondering why Wes never call me anymore at night.... last time we used to chat very long on the phone at night.. but recently he stopped calling me...

I thought maybe he's busy playing games or exercising etc and forgotten abt me.... but now I know the reason.... he told me is cuz he's helping me to adapt to the change when he enters the Navy... where he cant call me and talk to me as often anymore.... so recently he stopped calling me so that when he enters Navy the change won't be so big for me.....

I dunno why... suddenly I just feel so alone... and Lost.... I guess I love him more than I thought.. Ever since he came into my life he has been my closest kin and companion... When I'm with Wes, I feel secure, and happy... suddenly all my pain and troubles will seem to go away....

Now... my Tears just keep falling when I think of Wes... I just can't help it... I guess I need more time to adjust... I know I need to be strong... This is Life.... and Life is not a bed of roses... I really pray that God will protect and watch over Wes...

Things just aren't the same anymore without Wes by my side... I have to be strong.... Wes is not there anymore to lift me up when I fall, cheer me up when I'm down, and hold me Tight when I'm scared...God, I pray for the strength to press on in life...

I miss you dear.... I will wait for you... x3

But through the many arguments we've grown stronger.. and closer... Its just so amazing how God can plan for the paths of 2 Totally different persons from different backgrounds, with a different life story, with a different Past to meet... I believe it was God that allowed our paths to meet in life... and we are destined to be together....

It seemed like only last week I celebrated my 21st birthday.... and 3 months from now it'll be my 22nd birthday.... But this year.. my birthday will be different... cuz Wes may not be around to celebrate with me....

Why does Time flies so fast.... I wish I was in Heaven... where there will be no more Pain, no more Tears, No more sickness, No more sorrow.... only Happiness and Eternal life.... 1 day in Heaven is equal to 1000 days on earth.... Amazing right....

But my Time is not up yet.... Thats why God have not taken me away after all that I've been through and am going through.... sometimes I wonder.... why am I the one to go through all the pain.... why must it be me?.. Its so unfair......

I don't blame God for anything.... I only blame myself..... I believe the reason why God has not taken me away is because I have a Higher Purpose and Destiny for my Life that has yet to be fufilled.... God still wants me to serve Him, and do many great things for His Kingdom....

But.... at times I really can't take it anymore... I always ask God... when will my Breakthrough come? Will it even come... of cos I know God will... but I just dunno when.... Pastor once said, Whatever God has started, He will finish it... And I believe God will finish the great work he had begun in me..... All I can do now is to continue pressing on, and Fight on....

I know when Wes goes into NS... it will be a difficult time for me... I'm very scared... that I will feel very alone and lonely.... There will be no one to accompany me, to talk to me, to give me attention, to hug, kiss or to protect me anymore... Sigh...

Im also very scared... of the times I'll be alone at home.... why.... why must it always happen when I'm alone at home.... I really hate myself........ why me? And not anyone else..... Sigh... God, please heal me.... Thats all I ask for....

************************************************************

Dear, I really will miss you when you are not around... But I'm happy for you too... because I know its your dream to join the Navy... You must Take care of yourself.... and like I always say... Distance never separate 2 Hearts that really cares, for our Memories span the miles...

I don't know how am I going to go through Life each day without you around.... without you by my side... But.... Life still has to go on.... even though Life is hard, and painful at times... but I'll make it through... because I draw my strength from God....

I'll keep u in my prayers too.... that God will watch over you and keep you from harm... This period of time will probably be a Test of our love... for True Love can never be seen by the eyes, but felt with the heart... and The greatest Test of Love is the Test of Time....

Even though we can't see each other... but I hope our love will only grow stronger with Time.... Always know, I'm always in your heart... and Always remember, I'll always be here waiting for you.

Love,

Director: Simon Bross Cast: Ximena Ayala, Elena de Haro Genre: Drama Runtime: 103 mins Rating: M18 (Sexual Scenes) Language: Spanish with English subtitles

OMG.... This movie is a MUST-WATCH for me.... There are very few movies on Anorexia... and this is one of them!! Its an Exclusive showcase movie thats only shown at Cathay Picturehouse... I know its surely going to be a very interesting and cool and sad movie for me... cuz it reminds me of my Past...

I hope is not because of the mosquito bites though.... lols.... because I got Dengue fever before in year 2005... was very very ill... had to stay in hospital, and had to be put on drip... and had to receive many injections... and kept on vomiting... whole body aching....

Somemore that time I was soooo skinny.... and my body immunity was very low.... Can you Imagine how much Torture I had to went through.... Lols....

But now I think its not dengue fever ba... cuz pple say if you got it once you won't get it again... But u'll never know... This kind of thing very hard to say... I really hope its not....

But I have all the symptoms of Dengue fever now... Past few days had high fever, bad headache, sore throat, cough, body aches, rashes, swollen lymph nodes, and kept vomiting.... lols I don't wish to scare myself...

Fever, migraine and vomiting is the worse.... my whole head felt like its going to burst.... and my headache is very bad... my eyes, jaw, neck are so pain.... at its worse I really felt like dying.... and my fever was so high I felt as if I was in a desert.... lols.... but now Thank God my fever has went down....

Past few days I couldn't really eat much also... even drink water I also can vomit out.... my mum cook porridge for me I also vomitted out some... But now better le.... at least not so nauseous.... if not really can die.... btw self induced purging is different from vomiting.... both are Painful but the latter is worse.... if u know what I mean....

Sigh... went to see doctor and the doc said I got serious virus infection... My eyes were puffy and there are swellings on my neck... Damn... and the doc said I got alot of swelling of the lymph nodes on my neck... 4 or 5 of them... and some quite big one.... and if by 2 weeks if the swellings are still there need to do blood tests already.... Hope its nothing serious... + +

Today slept through the whole day.... dunno why sooo tired... Yest I went to work for half day only also cannot take it already.... Felt so dizzy.... my whole head was like spinning.... Thats why today I didn't go work...

Sigh seems like ages since I last spend time with Wes... cuz he's busy at work.... Last weekend didn't really go out with him either.... last sat I went for Prayer meeting after service but Wes didn't want to go.... after that I fellowshipped with my sister's CG then went home.... on Sun didn't meet also... quarrelled with him cuz I went for make up CG instead of meeting him.... he shouted so loudly at me on the phone...

Sigh dunno wat to do sometimes.... when I have to choose between God and him.... and when our commitment are different in different areas..... like church for instance.... Im committed to church and God etc but he's not.... But... I guess everyone has their own differences... All I can do is Just let go and Let God.... I don't want to think so much also....

Dear... 1 more month before u go into NS.... I'm sad... but I have to face Reality.... This is life... we all have to go through changes... Nothing is constant in this world except change.... Promise me u'll Take good care of yourself.... I'll always be here waiting for you..... and I hope your Feelings for me will not change.... I Trust you... and pls don't let me down.

Time Flies.... and We have been Together for exactly 7 months already... I hope to celebrate many more anniversaries Together with you, Till the very end of Eternity.

Love ya... <3

Im different from others... I cant stay alone at home de... Only a few pple close to me will know why... Truly, one is more vulnerable to the devil when one is alone... Now I know why God created men that they should never be alone....

Now I helping at wes's dad company... Now everyday can see Wes... Till the day he goes NS... Sigh so sad... ='(

Now that Im 'working', cannot catch up on my Beauty sleep... hahas.... and when go to onsite project its quite tiring... But Wes's job more Tiring.... cuz He's the installer and need to install CCTV.... so poor thing....

Even though it may be Tiring, but its better than staying at home... at least Im not so bored... and can help them out.. and can also accompany Wes to work... =)

Past 2 days went to onsite and plan out how to install CCTV... It was my 1st time.... lols.... and can see its Tough work.... now everytime I go home, I lie on the bed and can immediately fall asleep le... cuz very Tired already... dunno where Wes find the energy to still play game and exercise....lols....

Btw... I love the CH 8 drama Beach. Ball. Babes!<3 Cuz inside the show got alot of my Favourite stars!! They are Jessica Liu, Joanne Peh, Dawn Yeo and Christopher Lee... Jessica, Joanne and Dawn are sooooo CUTE, PRETTY AND HOT!!! <3 Love them loads.... =)

ok... I have to get back to work le... Bye!=)

I guess I love my mum afterall... even though our relationship has been thru much ups and downs... cuz if I don love her, even if we quarrel and fight I won even feel anything.... Or maybe its cuz everytime we quarrel it will bring Flashbacks of the past... and I will feel so Hurt....

I feel very sad... cuz I shouted very loud and lost my temper at her.... sigh sometimes I really cant control myself.... I also don wish to lose my temper at her de.... but its only when she talks about some particular things it will trigger me.... Till now even my mum don understand me.... sigh....

Whenever my emotions get the better of me, I won't have the mood to do anything else... I only can cry.... and sleep.... to stop myself of thinking what has happened.... Thats what I did today.... After crying, I went to sleep...and when I woke up, it was already evening time.... lols...

Crying is a form of release by the way.... not a sign of weakness.... in fact people who cry are strong on the inside..... because they are not afraid to show their weakness on the outside.... I read somewhere pple with depression sleep alot.... last time when I stayed in hospital, I also saw that depressed patients slept the whole day de....lols....

That was just random...lols.... by the way, Im NOT depressed... I think so ba.... Im just sad not depressed.... anyway I've been thru this kind of life since I was 15....

But now I think its worse.... and my condition is not getting better... Everyday I'm fighting a battle with myself, with food, with my body. Im so tired of everything.... of all the pain Im doing to my body.... Wes tells me its all in the mind.... I just need to be strong....

Actually, Dear... you are wrong... if it was that easy, I wouldn't be struggling till today..... Im actually a very strong girl.... and if its all about the mind, or willpower, why haven I recovered yet?...... My condition is not about whether Im weak in the mind or what.... its something more complicated... only someone who have been thru the same thing as me will understand....

Thats why sometimes I read blogs of pple with E*ting disorders..... because I can really relate to them.... I understand what they are thinking and feeling... because I think and feel like them too.... Every kind of E*ting disorder I've been through.... from one extreme to the other.... all the sufferings and mental Torture..... Im just so Tired of it.....

Sheer willpower is never enough to overcome this illness.... Even if I pray everyday, it can't be guaranteed that I'll recover.... because its not that easy at all.... Sometimes in front of other people... or when Im with Wes, I temporarily forget about my problems.... thats why I can appear so happy... but thats just a for a moment.... Deep inside my heart and mind there are just so much emotional and mental turmoil..... it will only surface when Im alone, and back to reality....

All these years I've been deceived by a lie.... Im living a lie all these years. Sometimes I don wish to think, or talk about my problems... Im just escaping from the truth.... I can only escape for a while..... but eventually, the root of the problem is still there.... and my condition has not improved... its still there....

Sometimes I thought I am getting better... but this is just a lie.... Im only better 'Temporarily', but the truth is that I haven't fully recovered yet.... I told myself.... that maybe next time when I go out to work, I will get better.... because I will not be alone at home, and cuz I will be busy with work already.... but I guess Im wrong.... Im just running away from my problem.... Im just lying to myself.....

I guess apart from seeking supernatural help..... I need to seek natural help too.... last time I used to see my counsellor and doctor every week.... but as I grew older.... I stopped seeking help as often..... and eventually stopped seeking help...

Sigh..... actually Tmr is my Commencement graduation day.... Its supposed to be a happy and exciting day where I've gone thru University and get my degree.... but I dunno why.... I don feel anything.... Im not happy or excited or anything..... I also dunno if my parents will be attending my Commencement.... after Today's quarrel.... Sigh.... =(

I really dunno how my Future will be like.... Im so fearful of every single day ahead.... Im so afraid to wake up to face another day.... where I have to go through another day of pain and struggle.... sometimes I wonder....Why? Why must I be the one....

But.... I don blame God at all... Everything happens for a Purpose... Pastor always say God can turn every difficulty in our lives into an opportunity... and every stumbling stone into a stepping stone.... I guess I need to really pray more.... and apart from that, its time I start to seek medical help again.....

Thank God I still have Wes whom I know will always be there for me... I really pray Tomorrow will be a better day..... and I hope I can see the Light soon in the midst of this darkness.... †

Actually, if not for Wes, I would have started working long time ago.... cuz I can't stand being idle... I need to keep myself busy de... sigh.... but cuz I want to accompany Wes before he goes into NS... so I cant start working yet.... if not it will be quite difficult to find time to accompany him... especially on weekdays....

Dear.. now u know how much sacrifices I made for you... lol.... but Wes also almost everyday working de.... only meet me once on weekdays... so most of the time Im alone at home.... Sigh....

2 more months only... before he goes into NS... sigh really hope that God will keep him safe.. soon I will also be working le... Time really flies... Pray I can find a good job... Cindy told me that she can't believe that so fast I've graduated... she said I still look very young.... lol...

Then she said I've finally grown up now that Im stepping into the marketplace to work... lol I tot I already grown up long ago..... lols... but frankly speaking... Im rather scared.... afterall its another phase of my life.... I hope God can guide and lead me and take away all my Fears....

Anyway... last sat was Mike Connell's service.... The service was great... although its quite disappointing that there was no Deliverance.... but the presence of God was very strong.... I believe God will set me free totally from bondage one day....

Sometimes... I still think of my Past... sometimes I wished I could go back to my Past.... sigh.... I never believed that Time will heal all wounds... because it can't.. Time may lessen the hurts as years go by, but The Pain, and the memories will never go away. Thats why its quite hard for me to move forward... I feel very lost at times, wondering where I should go, what I should do. I hope God will give me the strength to face my Future.... and the courage to pursue my Dreams..... +

Also, many of CHC leaders and members are over in Taiwan for Taiwan Youth camps... actually I wanted to go de.... but cuz of financial and commitment issues... I didn't go.... One day I hope to go on mission Trips with Pastor.... This is one of my Dreams.... =)

Heard that Pst Zhuang is sick over in Taiwan and is being hospitalised.... Really pray that he gets well soon.... God pls heal him.... I believe that he will recover completely.... +

Wes is going into NS in 2 months time.... and as soon as I know... its going to be Sept already.... because Time Flies... I will miss him alot... but I have to face Reality.... People go through different phases in life and meet different people in different seasons.....

Initially, I was very very sad that Cindy was not my CGL anymore last year.... cuz she was very close to me.. But now... I have learnt to let go... because people walk in and out of our lives... some stay, and some go, while only a few leave behind footprints in our Hearts and memories.

Wes have walked into my life and I hope he will stay for as long as I live.... I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.... don let me down kae dear.... I will miss u alot when you go into NS... God will always be with you... and I will always be with you too.... in your Heart, and in your memory....

I only hope you will be safe and God will protect you from harm... I know diver is going to be Tough... Sigh Im very worried actually.... but there's nothing I can do.... I only can Trust God that He will protect and watch over you....

And one more thing.... Dear when u go into NS... I hope you will not forget about God.... I hope u'll be faithful to him and church even when u go into NS... I know u will be busy and Tired and stuff... but I just hope u'll never forget your roots.... of how God has brought you through all these years...

Even Though we may be apart... but we are always together in our Hearts. I may not be your First Love, but I hope I can be your Last Romance. <3