I really pray God will see Me Through.....

Thinking back, its amazing how God had brought Me Through My Life..

Through all the storms and valleys, I still survived.. because God was with Me. I was on the brink of death, But God restored My Life......

The reason why Im still alive now is really cuz of God...... God could not bear to see His precious child die........

Last time, when I was v skinny, my mum always curse me that I will die early.....

Anyway, the last time when my family really celebrated my bday with me was when I was 14. That was the last happy time of my life. At the age of 15, My life got a complete change.....

Since then, every year I never really celebrate my birthday anymore....

There's no one to celebrate with me also.

To me, it was nothing special. Just another year of suffering had passed.... and there is still more ahead.

I dunno whether this year it will be the same.... Maybe it will.

Because in the first place I wished I wasn't born......

Maybe this birthday will be a lonely one like usual.

Sigh.... Growing up is never easy... Pple expect more from you, and My expectations of Myself gets higher too... cuz Im quite of a perfectionist...

If I had Only 1 Birthday wish, I wish that I can be delivered.

I wish I can be Healed.. I don't wanT to say wat illness... but I wish I can just be healed of all my emotional hurts and disorders.

I don wanna say wat disorder... But God knows and I know.

Ive gone thru 3 kinds of eating disorders. Does anyone understand the Pain Im going through?

The worse thing is I am facing all these problems ALone.

Some secrets are Just meant to be kept. I can only suffer in silence.

Some pple say Im always in my own World. But that is cuz No one can understand My world.

My world is a Lonely world of silent sufferings, untold secrets and Hidden pain.

Sometimes u can't always feel the Pain someone is going through.

So pls don't Judge me. Just try being in My shoes.....

If I had Only 1 birthday wish, I wish that I can be healed and delivered.

Only then I am ready to serve God and do Greater Things for God..

Only then I can be truly happy.

Only then I need not hide my Pain behind a smile.

Only then God can do a work in My life.

Only then My Breakthrough will come.....

Till then, I'll continue to Love God and seek God with all My Heart, no matter what happens. + + +

And Beeleng asked me to take photos of the whole party..... Hahas first time become photographer. But she said alot of the photos I took were shaky, and alot of backview shots.... LoL.... Sorry ar Beeleng..... think my hands were shaking lol.....=x

The kids were really all very cute.... So happy and carefree.... They reminded me of my childhood days....when I was once like them..... My heart really melted when I saw the children praising and worshipping God.... and when tears rolled down their faces.

I felt so happy for the children when many of them responded to the altar call..... I really hope these children will walk in holiness and walk in the ways of God...

I hope none of them will be led into the way that will lead them to destruction........ Just like me..... =(

Its already too late that only at my age, I realised that I have lived a life of regret, a life of Pain.... I've literally wasted my life away all these years........

A Life initially full of colour became black and white, a life That could be full of Joy became a life full of darkness....... I pray hard That none of these children will ever end up sufferinG like Me............ + + +

Seeing these children laugh and play games also put a smile on my face...... =) There were 2 girls that went up on stage to give their testimonies of how God has been so real in their Life....

It was so touching.... cuz its really amazing how God can touch them at such a young age. I didn't experience such presence before at their age......

Actually, My Dream is to be able to go up on stage one day and share my Testimony with everyone..... I remember that Cindy told me before that she wish that one day I can stand on stage to share my Testimony....

I will wait for that day to come, and I believe it will be come..... although I may have lost all hope in my life, but with God, "Hope which was lost, now stands Renewed"............<3<3<3

In cell group I also learnt that there is always a Time of waiting for My Miracle, My Harvest....

" Just because You don't see the Train, it doesn't mean that it is not coming "....

Likewise, Just because I don't see my Miracle or Breakthrough now, It does not mean that it is not coming........... God, I'll always Have Faith in You..... + + +

I am really stressed up by the neverending schoolwork now, But I pray that God, U will see Me through............ I hope I won't do badly, if not it'll really be the dead end for me...... No, I must not have so little Faith... God will surely make a way out For Me..... + + + + +

Sometimes, I just Feel that Life lessons must be learnt the hard way. You must get Hurt in order to learn, You must Fall in order to stand up again, You must suffer in order to come out stronger.......

Sometimes I really Feel like Giving up, Ending it all, and try ways to Hurt myself on the outside Just to kill the ones within...... but I guess its a silly way. Cuz the pain will always come back......

To those pple who have Hurt me in life: Thanks, cuz u have made me stronger. To those pple who betrayed me, U have made me see what the world is like.

While To my Dearest CGLs, U have made me see what is True Love, U have made a difference in My Life...... I love all of You.....<3<3<3>

Cuz I slp very late everyday.... got so much assignments and projects to do..... Today I overslept...... then decided to skip school. Haha better not learn from me. =p Wah I can sleep the Whole day one lor.........LoL.... woke up at only 4pm plus.... then continue doing my work..

God.... I really need You to see me through my studies.... Im geting stressed =(..... and with alot more other worries and problems in my mind, I literally can't take it anymore.... Im on the brink of giving up.....& on the verge of breaking down... I can break down anytime lor! =(

But I believe, if I seek God first, God will surely guide me through all the darkest valleys in My life...... + + God pls give me strength & Hope......+

Haha... & Wesley say he will protect me & fight the spirits off... LOL... thanks ar.... =) haha.

But now I keep dreaming of Beeleng and Cindy le.......hahas. Its good lor... Better than Nightmares rite!! =) My 2 dearest CGLs! <3<3>

Sigh........... Im still in a dilemna leh, whether to change cg anot. Sigh maybe I won't la........ cuz I still feel v unwelcomed in the other cg =( Sigh but I miss Cindy.... Haiz nvm la don want to think anymore. =(

I love both Cindy and Beeleng.....<3<3

And I told myself, I will never cry over him again. Its not worth it. I hope Time will let me forget abt him totally.............

But I know very well Time is never able to Heal all My wounds........ =(

Because Pain Engraves such a Deep Memory....

Sigh... and something happened at Changi Airport staff canteen... which I shall not mention...... cuz its v embarassing!! But I just want to say sorry to Beeleng.. I didn't mean to be disobedient.... and I could tell u were really angry with me...

At that moment when u asked me to do it, my mind went blank and I just totally shut off. A lot of Thoughts, worries and Fears kept racing through my mind.

I didn't know what to do. If I do it, I'll feel so guilty. If I didn't, its like Im not appreciating my friend's effort and love which was what Beeleng told me.

Sigh..... a conflict was going through my mind at that moment. I was literally Fighting a battle in my mind. I had only 2 choices. Either I let myself down or I let others down.

Oh man, U can ask me to do Anything but Just Not That. I will really be so scared...

That sense of helplessness was really indescribable beyond words.

But I still want to thank Beeleng for not giving up on me, and for walking each step with me. There are some areas in my Life that is still so hard for me to let go, and everyday is a struggle.
Sigh......Im v worried... I think my cg members will surely think of me differently now.... especially those sitting at the same table as me........=(

Anyway after that I went with Gideon to Tiong Bahru to teach him and his friends tuition. We went to Bukit Merah library. All his frens quite cute ar. And All are boys. Hahaha.
But Instead of studying, we ended up chatting and laughing. Haha. Gideon so funny. I taught him a few qns in the end he said he don feel like studying anymore. LOL!!
And his frens also have v short attention span.... I taught them a bit they say don wanna study anymore, wanna go and play basketball. Haha. So I followed them to basketball court...... and watch the boys play. Lol... all the best for ur tests!!
Then at 8 plus, I went home........ and tmr is again a tiring day of school with loads of work to do. Sigh. + + + + +

God.... Pls I don't want this to Happen...