I hope is not because of the mosquito bites though.... lols.... because I got Dengue fever before in year 2005... was very very ill... had to stay in hospital, and had to be put on drip... and had to receive many injections... and kept on vomiting... whole body aching....

Somemore that time I was soooo skinny.... and my body immunity was very low.... Can you Imagine how much Torture I had to went through.... Lols....

But now I think its not dengue fever ba... cuz pple say if you got it once you won't get it again... But u'll never know... This kind of thing very hard to say... I really hope its not....

But I have all the symptoms of Dengue fever now... Past few days had high fever, bad headache, sore throat, cough, body aches, rashes, swollen lymph nodes, and kept vomiting.... lols I don't wish to scare myself...

Fever, migraine and vomiting is the worse.... my whole head felt like its going to burst.... and my headache is very bad... my eyes, jaw, neck are so pain.... at its worse I really felt like dying.... and my fever was so high I felt as if I was in a desert.... lols.... but now Thank God my fever has went down....

Past few days I couldn't really eat much also... even drink water I also can vomit out.... my mum cook porridge for me I also vomitted out some... But now better le.... at least not so nauseous.... if not really can die.... btw self induced purging is different from vomiting.... both are Painful but the latter is worse.... if u know what I mean....

Sigh... went to see doctor and the doc said I got serious virus infection... My eyes were puffy and there are swellings on my neck... Damn... and the doc said I got alot of swelling of the lymph nodes on my neck... 4 or 5 of them... and some quite big one.... and if by 2 weeks if the swellings are still there need to do blood tests already.... Hope its nothing serious... + +

Today slept through the whole day.... dunno why sooo tired... Yest I went to work for half day only also cannot take it already.... Felt so dizzy.... my whole head was like spinning.... Thats why today I didn't go work...

Sigh seems like ages since I last spend time with Wes... cuz he's busy at work.... Last weekend didn't really go out with him either.... last sat I went for Prayer meeting after service but Wes didn't want to go.... after that I fellowshipped with my sister's CG then went home.... on Sun didn't meet also... quarrelled with him cuz I went for make up CG instead of meeting him.... he shouted so loudly at me on the phone...

Sigh dunno wat to do sometimes.... when I have to choose between God and him.... and when our commitment are different in different areas..... like church for instance.... Im committed to church and God etc but he's not.... But... I guess everyone has their own differences... All I can do is Just let go and Let God.... I don't want to think so much also....

Dear... 1 more month before u go into NS.... I'm sad... but I have to face Reality.... This is life... we all have to go through changes... Nothing is constant in this world except change.... Promise me u'll Take good care of yourself.... I'll always be here waiting for you..... and I hope your Feelings for me will not change.... I Trust you... and pls don't let me down.

Time Flies.... and We have been Together for exactly 7 months already... I hope to celebrate many more anniversaries Together with you, Till the very end of Eternity.

Love ya... <3

Im different from others... I cant stay alone at home de... Only a few pple close to me will know why... Truly, one is more vulnerable to the devil when one is alone... Now I know why God created men that they should never be alone....

Now I helping at wes's dad company... Now everyday can see Wes... Till the day he goes NS... Sigh so sad... ='(

Now that Im 'working', cannot catch up on my Beauty sleep... hahas.... and when go to onsite project its quite tiring... But Wes's job more Tiring.... cuz He's the installer and need to install CCTV.... so poor thing....

Even though it may be Tiring, but its better than staying at home... at least Im not so bored... and can help them out.. and can also accompany Wes to work... =)

Past 2 days went to onsite and plan out how to install CCTV... It was my 1st time.... lols.... and can see its Tough work.... now everytime I go home, I lie on the bed and can immediately fall asleep le... cuz very Tired already... dunno where Wes find the energy to still play game and exercise....lols....

Btw... I love the CH 8 drama Beach. Ball. Babes!<3 Cuz inside the show got alot of my Favourite stars!! They are Jessica Liu, Joanne Peh, Dawn Yeo and Christopher Lee... Jessica, Joanne and Dawn are sooooo CUTE, PRETTY AND HOT!!! <3 Love them loads.... =)

ok... I have to get back to work le... Bye!=)

I guess I love my mum afterall... even though our relationship has been thru much ups and downs... cuz if I don love her, even if we quarrel and fight I won even feel anything.... Or maybe its cuz everytime we quarrel it will bring Flashbacks of the past... and I will feel so Hurt....

I feel very sad... cuz I shouted very loud and lost my temper at her.... sigh sometimes I really cant control myself.... I also don wish to lose my temper at her de.... but its only when she talks about some particular things it will trigger me.... Till now even my mum don understand me.... sigh....

Whenever my emotions get the better of me, I won't have the mood to do anything else... I only can cry.... and sleep.... to stop myself of thinking what has happened.... Thats what I did today.... After crying, I went to sleep...and when I woke up, it was already evening time.... lols...

Crying is a form of release by the way.... not a sign of weakness.... in fact people who cry are strong on the inside..... because they are not afraid to show their weakness on the outside.... I read somewhere pple with depression sleep alot.... last time when I stayed in hospital, I also saw that depressed patients slept the whole day de....lols....

That was just random...lols.... by the way, Im NOT depressed... I think so ba.... Im just sad not depressed.... anyway I've been thru this kind of life since I was 15....

But now I think its worse.... and my condition is not getting better... Everyday I'm fighting a battle with myself, with food, with my body. Im so tired of everything.... of all the pain Im doing to my body.... Wes tells me its all in the mind.... I just need to be strong....

Actually, Dear... you are wrong... if it was that easy, I wouldn't be struggling till today..... Im actually a very strong girl.... and if its all about the mind, or willpower, why haven I recovered yet?...... My condition is not about whether Im weak in the mind or what.... its something more complicated... only someone who have been thru the same thing as me will understand....

Thats why sometimes I read blogs of pple with E*ting disorders..... because I can really relate to them.... I understand what they are thinking and feeling... because I think and feel like them too.... Every kind of E*ting disorder I've been through.... from one extreme to the other.... all the sufferings and mental Torture..... Im just so Tired of it.....

Sheer willpower is never enough to overcome this illness.... Even if I pray everyday, it can't be guaranteed that I'll recover.... because its not that easy at all.... Sometimes in front of other people... or when Im with Wes, I temporarily forget about my problems.... thats why I can appear so happy... but thats just a for a moment.... Deep inside my heart and mind there are just so much emotional and mental turmoil..... it will only surface when Im alone, and back to reality....

All these years I've been deceived by a lie.... Im living a lie all these years. Sometimes I don wish to think, or talk about my problems... Im just escaping from the truth.... I can only escape for a while..... but eventually, the root of the problem is still there.... and my condition has not improved... its still there....

Sometimes I thought I am getting better... but this is just a lie.... Im only better 'Temporarily', but the truth is that I haven't fully recovered yet.... I told myself.... that maybe next time when I go out to work, I will get better.... because I will not be alone at home, and cuz I will be busy with work already.... but I guess Im wrong.... Im just running away from my problem.... Im just lying to myself.....

I guess apart from seeking supernatural help..... I need to seek natural help too.... last time I used to see my counsellor and doctor every week.... but as I grew older.... I stopped seeking help as often..... and eventually stopped seeking help...

Sigh..... actually Tmr is my Commencement graduation day.... Its supposed to be a happy and exciting day where I've gone thru University and get my degree.... but I dunno why.... I don feel anything.... Im not happy or excited or anything..... I also dunno if my parents will be attending my Commencement.... after Today's quarrel.... Sigh.... =(

I really dunno how my Future will be like.... Im so fearful of every single day ahead.... Im so afraid to wake up to face another day.... where I have to go through another day of pain and struggle.... sometimes I wonder....Why? Why must I be the one....

But.... I don blame God at all... Everything happens for a Purpose... Pastor always say God can turn every difficulty in our lives into an opportunity... and every stumbling stone into a stepping stone.... I guess I need to really pray more.... and apart from that, its time I start to seek medical help again.....

Thank God I still have Wes whom I know will always be there for me... I really pray Tomorrow will be a better day..... and I hope I can see the Light soon in the midst of this darkness.... †

Actually, if not for Wes, I would have started working long time ago.... cuz I can't stand being idle... I need to keep myself busy de... sigh.... but cuz I want to accompany Wes before he goes into NS... so I cant start working yet.... if not it will be quite difficult to find time to accompany him... especially on weekdays....

Dear.. now u know how much sacrifices I made for you... lol.... but Wes also almost everyday working de.... only meet me once on weekdays... so most of the time Im alone at home.... Sigh....

2 more months only... before he goes into NS... sigh really hope that God will keep him safe.. soon I will also be working le... Time really flies... Pray I can find a good job... Cindy told me that she can't believe that so fast I've graduated... she said I still look very young.... lol...

Then she said I've finally grown up now that Im stepping into the marketplace to work... lol I tot I already grown up long ago..... lols... but frankly speaking... Im rather scared.... afterall its another phase of my life.... I hope God can guide and lead me and take away all my Fears....

Anyway... last sat was Mike Connell's service.... The service was great... although its quite disappointing that there was no Deliverance.... but the presence of God was very strong.... I believe God will set me free totally from bondage one day....

Sometimes... I still think of my Past... sometimes I wished I could go back to my Past.... sigh.... I never believed that Time will heal all wounds... because it can't.. Time may lessen the hurts as years go by, but The Pain, and the memories will never go away. Thats why its quite hard for me to move forward... I feel very lost at times, wondering where I should go, what I should do. I hope God will give me the strength to face my Future.... and the courage to pursue my Dreams..... +

Also, many of CHC leaders and members are over in Taiwan for Taiwan Youth camps... actually I wanted to go de.... but cuz of financial and commitment issues... I didn't go.... One day I hope to go on mission Trips with Pastor.... This is one of my Dreams.... =)

Heard that Pst Zhuang is sick over in Taiwan and is being hospitalised.... Really pray that he gets well soon.... God pls heal him.... I believe that he will recover completely.... +

Wes is going into NS in 2 months time.... and as soon as I know... its going to be Sept already.... because Time Flies... I will miss him alot... but I have to face Reality.... People go through different phases in life and meet different people in different seasons.....

Initially, I was very very sad that Cindy was not my CGL anymore last year.... cuz she was very close to me.. But now... I have learnt to let go... because people walk in and out of our lives... some stay, and some go, while only a few leave behind footprints in our Hearts and memories.

Wes have walked into my life and I hope he will stay for as long as I live.... I hope to spend the rest of my life with him.... don let me down kae dear.... I will miss u alot when you go into NS... God will always be with you... and I will always be with you too.... in your Heart, and in your memory....

I only hope you will be safe and God will protect you from harm... I know diver is going to be Tough... Sigh Im very worried actually.... but there's nothing I can do.... I only can Trust God that He will protect and watch over you....

And one more thing.... Dear when u go into NS... I hope you will not forget about God.... I hope u'll be faithful to him and church even when u go into NS... I know u will be busy and Tired and stuff... but I just hope u'll never forget your roots.... of how God has brought you through all these years...

Even Though we may be apart... but we are always together in our Hearts. I may not be your First Love, but I hope I can be your Last Romance. <3