cuz the Pain of Love lasts a lifetime.

But the pleasure of love lasts only a moment.

The most Painful Love, is the Love left unshown.

A love not expressed, and affection left unknown.

Without you around my world seems darker.

I miss you...<3<3

-Promise me u'll never Let Me go.

I love you <33

****************************

Im sorry, God if I did anything wrong.

Im very very sorry. +

I went with Wes and his whole sembawang gang.... Wa alot of pple lorz.... over 30 plus pple... some quite young already join gang.... LoLs....

Wes told me this yr alr very little pple le.... last yr he went with 100 plus pple from his gang!! WaHH....

It was super crowded lorz... so damn squeezy lol... All the guys stand behind the girls so that they can protect them....

Wes also stood behind me... he say if pple touch me must tell him... LoLs....

Because it was so crowded that we couldn't move, we climbed over the barricade and took a shortcut to Wisma...

There were alot of policeman... But apparently they also couldn't control the crowd....

After that we went to walk along orchard... there were alot of rowdy crowds... and one of them is our grp... LoLs...

Wes's frens bought alot of spray cans... and They kept spraying at the passerbys.... LoLs....

But I nvr spray them... I just stand at the side... They keep aiming the bangladesh pple lorz.... Worse still for nothing went to beat them up....

I was so scared la... LoLs....

Then Wes's frens use the spray can to spray him... Then he went to spray them back.... LoLs...

His whole body and hair also got foam.... so poor thing. Hahas... I faster hide in a corner.... cuz I scared they spray me....

Hahas the whole orchard was like Havoc.... LoLs.... It was my 1ST time seeing such a scene..... Quite scary when they fight but Exciting too..... lol...

After that Wes send me back home in a cab.... reached home ard 2 plus am... close to 3 am le...

So tired... LoLs... Tmr still going church svc... zzZzzz.... This yr was a very different Christmas for me.... Hahas...

************************************

Woke up ard 9 plus and faster got ready to go church.... Today is *Christmas*!! <3

After svc, we went orchard... but before that waited with Robin for Eliz to come to the mrt station..... waited very long....

After that we went to meet Wes and his old church friends at orchard... They went to eat at Food Republic.....

Then at foodcourt something happened... Wes almost got into a Fight again... all because of a staring incident....

But actually its the stupid fat guy's fault.... cuz he was very rude and shouted at the drink seller auntie who was pushing the drinks trolley to go over to his table.... then Wes was angry and stared at him....

After a while, when the stupid fat guy was leaving, he still kept staring at Wes... and Wes also stared back....

Then the fat guy used his finger to motion Wes over as if challenging him to a fight... and he even took out his NS man police card....

Wes was very angry... he immediately stood up, took up the western food knife.... I got a shock.... after that luckily he put that down and took his handphone instead....

Then Vincent quickly pulled Wes back.... and Me and robin went to apologize to the stupid fat guy.....

But actually it was the Stupid fat guy's fault lor.... he was abusing his authority... think he very big like that....

I think if it was me I will also get angry.... stupid fat guy.... he's obviously no match for Wes la.....

Wes told me if it was last time he would have already beaten up the guy... he say when he fight it will be very bloody.... so scary.....

My Hero, U look very MAN when u wanted to Fight just Now.... BUT PLS DON'T FIGHT ok.... Cool down.... <3

After that we went to walk around while waiting for Wes's frens to eat finish... then we went back at around 9 plus..... But I didn't want to go home so early....

My parents also don't care about me.... They said it themselves even if I don't go home they also won't care..... Sigh Nvm....Whatever....Im used to it anyway......

I went with Wes to a playground near my house. When I was a kid, I always play there de. Hahas.....

I was trying to climb the rope then Wes was so worried that I will fall he keep holding me....

At night it was very cold... But with his arms around me I felt very warm.... lol....

After that at 10 plus Wes walked me back home.... then he went home also... Miss ya.... <33

LoLx... was Fun cuz can go shopping and buy alot of clothes, but boring we go KL many times before le!!

Hahas... Me and my sis also went to sing karaoke... our favourite!! =) LoLx... its called 'Q Box' there in KL....

But I like the magazine store opposite the hotel we stayed in... very good lorz... can use the internet there for RM3 per hour... quite cheap.

And can also sit down and read magazines there... and the Indian store owners don't even care... so good lorz...

I miss that place... cuz can read a lot of fashion and celebrities magazines for free... Hahas.... =)

But I also v sad cuz I missed the last day of Breakaway Camp and my CG Christmas Party... I heard from Wes that Priest House got 2nd!! =) Yay!!

Actually can get 1st one lor... cuz we forgot to use our booster cards for the games! Sigh wasted....

Lolx... I also heard that on the last day of camp, the session was very anointed... Sighz I couldn't attend... =(

Anyway, Priest house TOTALLY rocks!! =)

The Breakaway camp was very fun... especially the games and campfire... But the best are the sessions... The 1st session was already super anointed.

The presence of God was so strong, and I felt so Touched till tears kept flowing...

Sadly, but honestly, I had never felt this way in a long long time....

There was a period of time when I couldn't feel the presence of God anymore... and I felt very sad and discouraged... I really thought God had left me...

But the Encounters with God during Breakaway camp reassured me that God had never left me during all my times of trials.... God was always with Me...

I think during that period of time when I was spiritually dry, it was cuz I was being put to the Test......

And during the Breakaway camp it was the 1ST time that I responded to an altar call, and it was also the 1ST time that I fell under the Power of God....

LoLx shocking rite.... in church for 2 yrs le but 1st time experience these things... LoLx...

Breakaway camp was a memorable experience for me.... Tho my miracle has not come Yet.... BuT I BELIEVE my Breakthrough is on the way...

I hope One day I can totally be set Free... and one day I can Truely BREAKAWAY from darkness into LighT.... +

The campfire was also very fun cuz all the houses had to put up a skit. And I think Priest house is the Best lorz!! =)

But during campfire, something happened to Wes... Sighz make me so scared and worried... Thank God he was ok after that. Sighz don make me heart attack again horz... LoLx....

I also heard that N402 Christmas party was very fun.... alot of new frens... Sighz so sad I couldn't go... =(

And after Breakaway camp I must decide which cg I decide to go to le.... Sighz another headache problem.... =(

Most probably I'll stay in N402.... Sighz.. Cindy I miss you..... *Tears*Haiz.... sobsob.....

I also will miss Beeleng after handover!! Haiz.... *Tears*~ =(

Words will never ever be able to express my Feelings.... Sighz.... I'll miss you both....

You both have impacted my life much... Haiz.... Im Going to be Emo soon..... =(

***********************************

Haiz.... its only 5 more days to Christmas!!! Time flies... soon it will be year 2008.... oh man so fast... =(

Looking back, I have gone thru so much so much.... Yr 2007 was a difficult Yr for me....

A yr where I have to go thru many changes... Be it Physically, Emotionally or Mentally....

It has been a year of much Tears, Pain and Hurts for me... a Yr where I had to struggle emotionally and mentally with changes in my body, with relationship problems, with family problems etc etc....

Maybe Sometimes u need to fall in order to stand up again, and get Hurt in order to grow.

If u look at my past photos, u will realise from yr 2001 to 2006 pics of me are all v v skinny....

But... but... now.... sighz.... I don want to think of it le.... Sighz I feel so guilty and lousy.... I know I shouldn't think this way.... But... Haiz....

No One knows how much Pain, Tears and Fears I have to go thru during this yr... Everyone say I look different, everyone say I've changed....

Deep in my heart I hate myself for losing my willpower.... I feel like running away from the world..... Haiz.....

Sometimes when I see my ex CG members or pple who knew me since last time, I will quickly try to avoid meeting them etc.... cuz Im afraid to hear their comments...

Im really sorry.... if I saw you but I did not say Hi to you... Sorry if I gave u the impression that Im 'dao' or something.... Im really not.... Sighz.

I know Escapism is not the solution to my problems.... Thats why Im still trying hard to cope with changes in my surroundings, My body and to accept myself....

Thats why maybe during BREAKAWAY camp, Pst Zhuang's sermon really spoke to me. It was totally abt me.

The word was about breaking away from Past bad habits, from bitterness, from Fear of failure and from guilt.

I could relate very well to it.... probably Thats one of the reasons I responded to the altar call. I really respect Pst Zhuang alot alot...

Pst Zhuang used to give me bible study classes, came to my house before, helped and counselled me.... I miss his BS classes lorz....

This is kinda random LoLx..... Just some of my feelings and thoughts....

I hope Yr 2008 will be a better year for me.... In the kingdom of GoD everything Grows from glory to Glory...... +

I Truly hope to BreakAway From my Past to the Future, from the old into the New, from Oppression into Freedom..... +

Most Importantly, BreakAway From Depression and Darkness into GOD'S LIGHT.... + <3<3

One Year ago, on 10 DEC 2006, I was water baptised... I was born again into a New creation! =)

And also, Happy birthday to Hui mien!!! =) Love ya! Have a blessed and fun-filled birthday! =)

Sighz Time flies.... next few days or even the next week I may not have the time to blog cuz there are many activities coming up! =)

***********************************

13-15 dec (Thur- Fri)-- BREAKAWAY YOUTH CAMP!! =)

Im excited for the Breakaway Youth camp... and I really hope this camp will be a Life-changing one for me.

Im praying for a Breakthrough in My life... And also, CG growth and salvation of many lost souls..... +

15-18 dec (Sat- Tue)-- Going KL with my sister and parents

Sighz... that means I'll have to miss the last day of camp and also sun svc... Actually my parents didn't want to bring me to KL one... but now last minute they ask me to go.... LoL....

They are worried that I will get into trouble... and also they don wan't to leave me alone at home.... They say I will run away from home.... Hahas.... so Funny.... LoL....

19 dec (wed)-- CG CHRISTMAS PARTY! =)

I hope I can make it for the christmas party... duno if my parents will extend the KL trip anot.... So xian lor.... everytime also go malaysia only....

LoL.... if go to Faraway countries like Japan or Australia or Disneyland then good la! Haha... =D

Soon it will be a brand new start of Year 2008, and my last semester in school.

Sighz Time flies... How I wish I can stay in Dreamland....

A place where we will not grow old,
where there are no need for meals,
where I will always be happy,
where all My Dreams will come True....

A place where they is no Pain and sorrow, no Hurts and sufferings.

A place where True love exists, a place where there is such a thing as " Happily ever after"...

And one day I will go there too... But for now its Reality and there is NO escape.

I only hope that I can live the remaining of my life with no more Pain and Regrets, cuz I had enough of it.....

Will I ever have the chance to experience True Love and Friendship?

Will I still be alone in my own world where no one can understand what I am going through?

When will My Miracle come?

I honestly can't tell the Future... But one thing I know for sure that God will always be with Me.

For He will never leave nor forsake Me... pple will, but God won't.

One thing I Just have to do, that is to TRUST God that He will make a way out for Me.

That all My Pain, all My Tears, all My Fears, all My Hopes and Dreams, HE sees it all.

One day My Miracle will come, and My Future is in Good Hands. +

My bro said something nasty that Hurt me so much. But its ok, Im already used to it.

But I won let pple Hurt me again. I won't.

Sometimes I really wished I have amnesia. So that I can forget about My sad memories, My Painful past.

So That I can walk bravely ahead, never Looking back.

So that I can start Life afresh.

But again, I don wish to forget totally about My past.

My Past is the Journey I have gone through all these years. It made me who I am Today.

Through all the struggles and Pain, it have made me a stronger person.

Without a Past, There will be no Future.

One's Past shapes who you are Today. And My Past was not a chain of happy memories.

Im sorry, thats why Im not Perfect.

The only thing is that Im still holding on Tightly to My Past.

Im Trapped in it... I wish I can go back to My Past.

The Present is different from The Past. And often Pple will make comparisons between them.

And Those things that they say or comment on really Hurts Me.

I really hate myself now.

No one will ever understand the Guilt, Hurts and shame that were accompanied along with the change.

You are Not me. You won't be able to feel My Pain.

So Pls don't Judge Me.

************************************

Today, I watched a movie " The Golden compass" with Wes. It was an awesome show. =)

It is abt a young girl who is so brave even in the face of danger. I really admire her child-like faith and courage...

Yesterday also watched movie with Wes.. watched a horror show "30 days at Night".

It was soooOo scary. Hope I don't get nightmares... hahas.

Actually this part is for Wesley. Although I have only know u for a mth, but somehow I feel u are a blessing in My life.

******************************************

From my Past experiences, I think I shd be wise enough to differentiate a good man from a bad one.

Because thinking back, I regretted not listening to the advice of my leader.

I think I was really very stupid to fall in love with a wrong person.

Which in the end, brought me nothing but only Hurt and regret.

What he wanted was My body, Not Me.

I loved him so much, that I gave in so much to him.....

To the extent that I can even Hurt Myself Just to sastify him.

How stupid I was....

I don't miss you anymore. Neither do I love u anymore.

I have proven to you that even without you I can still be strong.

*******************************************

I dunno wat the Future holds, and I know its too early to talk abt the Future.

But Wes, thanks for being such a good friend to me all these while.

Love is not one Big thing, But its about a million little things.

You are always so giving, and willing to spend ur money on Me.

Even My parents are not like that. LoLx.

Everytime you will buy gifts for Me, treat me to the movies and so on.

I know money can't buy Love and Friendship...

Money is unable to buy the things that are unseen.

BuT, as Pastor always says, " You can Give without Loving, But you can't Love without Giving."

Many things have broke my Heart.

My own personal problems, Relationships, Friends, Family etc etc.

I must admit I don't have much close friends I can talk to.

This is why I Treasure Friendship and relationships alot.

My only fren in school quarrelled with Me and now she's not talking to me anymore.

I really don't know why. I always help her, be there for her when she has problems... BuT..... Sighz. Forget it.

The friend I Treasure most is Cindy... and This will never change...

She was the one who helped me alot Thru my Darkest Times.

Even though Im very sad that Things have changed now....

But what can I do? Life still has to go on.....

I Just have to accept the fact that Things change, and People change too.

I Just have to accept the fact that people come and go in My life.

But only some people will leave Footprints in your Heart.

But I still love and Treasure Cindy alot....

U will always be the best leader and fren in My heart. I'll never forget u.....

I also want to thank Wes, for always being so Giving to Me.

You have been a companion to me all these while and I really Treasure our Friendship.

I don't know what the Future holds, because Things change, and people change too.

Change may lead to Heartbreak and Hurts, but its all part of Life.

But I believe every friend we have is a God-sent.... and I want to thank God for you. +

Sighz next sem can't slack le... its gonna be my last sem in NUS before I graduate.. Sighz Time flies...

It seems like only yesterday I was in year 1.. and getting lost in school finding lecture halls, and learning how to bid for my modules etc etc...

Sighz I seriously will miss school life.

Im quite worried abt wat am I gonna do after I graduate... its gonna be another phase of life for me. Sighz... I really need God to guide me... + + +

I Didn't really blog much in the past week... cuz of exams... Hmm on sun 2nd dec was our 1st svc at Jurong west!! =)

Its great to be bk at Jurong west again.. Oh man Time flies... Just remember our last day at JW church 2 yrs ago.... now we're bk here again...

Pst kong preached on confidence... That Faith=confidence... The Anointing of God flows through confidence.

Without confidence, the Power of God can't flow through us...

When I heard this, my Heart sank. Now I know the reason for my spiritual attacks and why sometimes I Just can't feel the presence of God at all.

That's cuz I have a very low self-esteem. Its probably due to My Past that cause me to have low confidence in Myself.

Someone told me this before. That he don't understand why I have such a poor self esteem abt myself.

That I have the looks, I have the brains. But why is it that I feel inferior abt myself..?

Actually I don't know why.... I Just feel no matter wat I do, Im not good enough.

Not smart enough, Not good enough, Not Pretty enough, Not Thin enough.

I am concerned abt wat pple say about me, wat they think of Me. But little did I realise that only God is the one I should please.

Indeed the Truth Hurts... but the Truth will also set Me Free.

Without confidence in Myself, my Potential is robbed, my Destiny is robbed.

The Thief has come to steal, kill, and to destroy. But I WILL NOT let him steal My Happiness, kill my Dreams, and destroy My Destiny.

Its not easy for me to regain my self esteem again. Its also not easy to forget about my Past that I am still holding on So Tightly to.

Even if one pick themselves up when they have fallen, there will still be scars and wounds on the body, one may still walk with a limp...

But I BELIEVE, No weapon formed against Me shall prosper.

God has a Great Destiny for My Life... One day, I will be able to stand up Strong again. + + +